About last night..

"Manage me, I'm a mess. Turn a page, I'm a book Half unread."

Last night was fun. It was my first time out and clubbing. I was feeling nervous, excited, and all sorts of things. I'm glad I came out last night because it was fun meeting new faces. I also enjoyed seeing old faces (except those awkward moments where you don't really know what to do). I must say I really enjoy just letting loose. I can't really explain; it's hard to do that. There's this thrill in dancing and not caring what a damn person has to say.

Being a lightweight has it's pros and cons, but that night was just right--definitely a pro. On a side note, I'm starting to feel how sore my body is. I must've danced a lot. Which is weird because I don't think I can dance if my life depended on it.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I know that last night just makes me think. Call me bi-polar. I seem so sure of myself sometimes, but God only knows when the insecurities will come rushing back in or when I'll be afraid of other judgments again.

"I wanna feel reckless. I wanna live it up, just because. I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough."

I'll live, and I'll learn.

Hallmark Holiday

Even my sisters noticed today-- Today, I was a complete bitch. Yes, I should've been happy; we were celebrating a happy occasion. I was either PMSing, or I was really bitter about the next so called holiday. Of course, I immediately started to feel bad about it. It wasn't right to take it out on them. I hope they're reading this and know how truly sorry I am for acting the way I did. It's just those darn bittersweet-14th-blues.

I hate the fact I woke up this morning seeing no missed calls from you. The truth is I waited all night to hear from you. I hate the fact I didn't even see a text today. It's sad that I had to contact you first. You wonder why I'm so goddamn insecure.

Over time, I just lost sense of reality and sense of self; it all made me lose sense of self-security. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on top of the world and suddenly find myself hitting rock bottom on some melancholic nights. I'll be happy with the way I am, but that feeling is instantly ruined with the glance at the cover of a Glamour magazine.

Once that happens, it's hard to love myself. Tomorrow is the worst day for someone who is feeling the way I do right now. Everyone else will be making the most of this Hallmark Holiday. Meanwhile, I'll be sitting behind the library counter for 7 hours. I don't want to spend tomorrow alone. I wish I could spend that night watching a movie with even just a friend, but all reality says that is less likely to happen. After work, I'll probably be waiting in the frigid cold for my stupid Septa bus to come, slipping on some unshoveled sidewalk, and sitting in my room morbidly studying Biology that I don't need to study. Minutes away from hell... I'm expecting nothing tomorrow.

p.s. My dad told me [and sisters] that he doesn't think success is possible for us. Thanks, dad. I feel so much better.

Attention, please?

It's pretty pathetic. I feel invisible sometimes. I try not to be an attention whore, but a girl can't help but wonder whether or not she's eye-catching material. For example, my sisters are the most prettiest girls I know; they seem eye-catching to every guy they've met. The guys are pretty cute too. Then, you get to me. womp. womp. I try my best not to judge people when it comes to superficial matters, but I seem to attract awkward, geek-esque guys. Is it because I seem like an approachable and easy target? I can't help but think if it's because I'm reasonable. I'm the girl they settle for because it's "what they can get." I'm still convinced that I look like an Ewok. How exactly do I set myself apart from the rest? I actually like to keep people wondering about who the real me is; things are more interesting that way. I guess I should be happy that I don't exactly have the most formspring questions (it's "highschool" anyway), and I should be happy that my blogs are subtly advertised with an appeal to those who matter.

Sorry about the rant. It's all hitting me quite fast and quite hard.

Wrong

Just because you're skinnier than someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're more beautiful. Beauty is way more than skin deep.

I just have to keep telling myself that.

i don't understand

m i l a b i u

insecurities, leave me the fuck alone.

wishful thinking

I wish you knew how I felt. I wish you could understand or even grasp what I'm going through right now. I wish you knew that sometimes I feel

worthless,

ugly,

tormented,

& unappreciated

I wish you could understand, but instead, there you are, standing in the dark with no clue as to what I feel. There you are, doing nothing except losing sleep over something that you wait for me to tell you. You can't read minds, but I believe that if you truly loved me, you'd sense why I am this way. Instead, I'm here feeling pain that wasn't inflicted by you. I wish you knew... I wish you'd realize my worth before I'm gone.