anticipate...

to no longer see this blog.

I've grow accustomed to writing down my words rather than sharing them with the world wide web. I'm more fond of seeing who actually tries to contact me without facebook and realizing who my real friends are.

I feel bitter though. It only took one boy to make this girl a closed shell. Now, try to imagine how another man made it worse. My eyes are tired, and I feel so let down by the opposite gender.

Moving on, I'm strong and my will permits me to get over it.

Allergic

I'm allergic to all the couples I've been seeing lately. The weather's beautiful, but the weather doesn't stop me from feeling bitter about love whenever I see lovers walking around sharing the day with each other. It breaks me every. single. time.

I guess I'll always be second best to him. To think, I was stupid enough to be fine with that.

Moonlit Transformation

My days are great when I'm in school and getting things done. It's the lonely nights in my room that just sort of kill me.

Anyway...

Today was a good day. I switched my major, and I enjoyed the beautiful weather. I'm seeing brighter days.

Dear "Ex-Boyfriend,"

You don't understand what I'm going through nor have you really put effort into finding out what's going on with me. It's hard to believe, but I guess you're the only one who can change that. It's okay though--I'll be okay alone. I can see you're perfectly fine anyway. I wouldn't want to ruin that.

Fuck you--you never read this blog anyway.

Loss of interest

When did prince charming decide that he didn't want to make the princess happy anymore?

This is what it feels like. I don't want to believe in fairy tales anymore. It's all stupid make-believe that is less likely to happen... to me at least. I'm a princess, and I deserve to be treated like one. I keep telling myself that.

I'm jealous. There, I said it. I'm jealous of everyone who's in a perfectly happy relationship. I'm even jealous of the girl who has a boyfriend who cheats. Fucked up, right? It's probably because he bothers to give her the title and make her the main concubine. I know I'm only 19 and have so many miles to go, but I guess it's possible to discover love at a young age. Love is this drug that I just can't really refuse. I've had a taste, and it's only got me coming back for more. This heart just kinda breaks more each day.

I've shown all the signs, but why do you keep ignoring them? Why couldn't you make me happy, or at least, help me feel happy with myself? It's like you never cared about my issues.

I felt like he just lost interest in me.

Did I really get that boring, babe? If there's one thing I fear, it's being the must mundane person you've ever met. I don't want to be your catastrophe or biggest mistake. For now, I'm just gonna have to make it through without you. Thanks for giving me the imagery that a knight in shining armor is most likely just faking it in tin foil.

I just want all this pain to go away.

Argentina sunrise,

I miss you so.

Coming back from Buenos Aires makes me remember those days when I would come back from summer camp. In a matter of a week or so, my life seemed to be changed by the bonds and friendships I made. I thoroughly loved my experience and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I'm glad I decided to partake in the LGU minor at school even with how unrelated it is to nursing (I don't really care how people rearrange it to sound like it does--it really doesn't). I don't mind the extra year I anticipate in school. For what it's worth, the trip definitely broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to new perspectives. The trip did have its inadvertently troubled moments, but life goes on... I still managed to have fun.

On an entirely different note, it's possible to enjoy a trip but wish someone to share the sunrise with you. Still struggling with this loneliness, but I can only hope for a better outcome. I've still got many miles to travel before this plane can call it a night.

Travel studies/study abroads are so worth it. One should definitely take advantage of the opportunity if ever offered. You'll thank yourself in the end.

p.s. If you ever get the chance to watch "Up In The Air," you should do so. I'm seriously having some tendencies to travel with an "empty backpack" (you'll understand when you watch the movie). It may be very vague, but some things in life remain vague until we've reached journey's end.

p.s.s. I deleted my formspring. I feel like I just lost 5 unnecessary pounds.

About last night..

"Manage me, I'm a mess. Turn a page, I'm a book Half unread."

Last night was fun. It was my first time out and clubbing. I was feeling nervous, excited, and all sorts of things. I'm glad I came out last night because it was fun meeting new faces. I also enjoyed seeing old faces (except those awkward moments where you don't really know what to do). I must say I really enjoy just letting loose. I can't really explain; it's hard to do that. There's this thrill in dancing and not caring what a damn person has to say.

Being a lightweight has it's pros and cons, but that night was just right--definitely a pro. On a side note, I'm starting to feel how sore my body is. I must've danced a lot. Which is weird because I don't think I can dance if my life depended on it.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I know that last night just makes me think. Call me bi-polar. I seem so sure of myself sometimes, but God only knows when the insecurities will come rushing back in or when I'll be afraid of other judgments again.

"I wanna feel reckless. I wanna live it up, just because. I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough."

I'll live, and I'll learn.

Hallmark Holiday

Even my sisters noticed today-- Today, I was a complete bitch. Yes, I should've been happy; we were celebrating a happy occasion. I was either PMSing, or I was really bitter about the next so called holiday. Of course, I immediately started to feel bad about it. It wasn't right to take it out on them. I hope they're reading this and know how truly sorry I am for acting the way I did. It's just those darn bittersweet-14th-blues.

I hate the fact I woke up this morning seeing no missed calls from you. The truth is I waited all night to hear from you. I hate the fact I didn't even see a text today. It's sad that I had to contact you first. You wonder why I'm so goddamn insecure.

Over time, I just lost sense of reality and sense of self; it all made me lose sense of self-security. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on top of the world and suddenly find myself hitting rock bottom on some melancholic nights. I'll be happy with the way I am, but that feeling is instantly ruined with the glance at the cover of a Glamour magazine.

Once that happens, it's hard to love myself. Tomorrow is the worst day for someone who is feeling the way I do right now. Everyone else will be making the most of this Hallmark Holiday. Meanwhile, I'll be sitting behind the library counter for 7 hours. I don't want to spend tomorrow alone. I wish I could spend that night watching a movie with even just a friend, but all reality says that is less likely to happen. After work, I'll probably be waiting in the frigid cold for my stupid Septa bus to come, slipping on some unshoveled sidewalk, and sitting in my room morbidly studying Biology that I don't need to study. Minutes away from hell... I'm expecting nothing tomorrow.

p.s. My dad told me [and sisters] that he doesn't think success is possible for us. Thanks, dad. I feel so much better.

Attention, please?

It's pretty pathetic. I feel invisible sometimes. I try not to be an attention whore, but a girl can't help but wonder whether or not she's eye-catching material. For example, my sisters are the most prettiest girls I know; they seem eye-catching to every guy they've met. The guys are pretty cute too. Then, you get to me. womp. womp. I try my best not to judge people when it comes to superficial matters, but I seem to attract awkward, geek-esque guys. Is it because I seem like an approachable and easy target? I can't help but think if it's because I'm reasonable. I'm the girl they settle for because it's "what they can get." I'm still convinced that I look like an Ewok. How exactly do I set myself apart from the rest? I actually like to keep people wondering about who the real me is; things are more interesting that way. I guess I should be happy that I don't exactly have the most formspring questions (it's "highschool" anyway), and I should be happy that my blogs are subtly advertised with an appeal to those who matter.

Sorry about the rant. It's all hitting me quite fast and quite hard.

Wrong

Just because you're skinnier than someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're more beautiful. Beauty is way more than skin deep.

I just have to keep telling myself that.

i don't understand

m i l a b i u

insecurities, leave me the fuck alone.

wishful thinking

I wish you knew how I felt. I wish you could understand or even grasp what I'm going through right now. I wish you knew that sometimes I feel

worthless,

ugly,

tormented,

& unappreciated

I wish you could understand, but instead, there you are, standing in the dark with no clue as to what I feel. There you are, doing nothing except losing sleep over something that you wait for me to tell you. You can't read minds, but I believe that if you truly loved me, you'd sense why I am this way. Instead, I'm here feeling pain that wasn't inflicted by you. I wish you knew... I wish you'd realize my worth before I'm gone.

the skinny

I lost 3 pounds.

"You don't need to lose weight."
"You're like me just like me."
"Tumaba ka!"
"You're not fat!"
"You're so voluptuous."
"She's hot."
"She's so god damn sexy."
"I love you the way you are."
"She's fucking gorgeous!"

Some comments about me, some about others. Regardless, these are the comments that linger in my head.

Catching up.

Well, my blogs lately have been nothing but simple sentences and phrases. But, I assure you that those phrases have significance (some pertaining to unnamed individuals). I'm not going to lie-- it's going to be one hell of a busy semester. I'm aiming for a GPA of 3.8. Aim high, right? I'm sure nursing is going to get anything but easier so I should just take advantage of the easy courses while I can. I'm excited for the rest of this semester/2010. Bring it. I had a good rest and some time to cool off after a rather harsh and confusing semester. However, I'm still uncertain of where I'm going in life.

I realize that I have so much potential, and I have the ability to become motivated and achieve my goals. Hell, I managed to get a 4.0 in the summer. Shit happens when you apply your mind to it.

Well here's my plan of careers I'm actually considering other than nursing:

• Cosmetic Chemist - yes, a chemist...
• Pharmacist - despite how hard I heard it is, I wouldn't mind working with drugs...
• Voice Actress - seriously...
• DART - still has me curious
• Fashion Merchandising - maybe after nursing...
• Lawyer?

My head is just swimming with ideas, and the problem is I just don't know what I want. I shouldn't regret, but I wish I took more art classes in high school. Instead, I'm just pushing it to the side and putting it away for later use.

For now, I'm just Maegan, the mundane college, nursing student.

Honestly,

This shit has got to stop.

Seriously, FUCK YOU.

It still hurts when I think about you.







Then again, it's what I get for playing with fire. Fuck you, asshole. I hope you burn too.

Zzzz

more blogs to come... for now, enjoy this song

"Singing myself to sleep, and you're still my favorite melody"

Sickness strikes again

This time, I have a stomach virus. Not eating is depressing.