Tonight..

I want nothing more than to spend the New Year's Eve with you.

2009

Dear 2009,

You were a pretty tough year to live with. You shot a couple bullets I had to dodge. While you missed a couple shots, you did manage to hit me a couple times. I got hit really hard, but sooner or later with the help of time, I'd be back on my feet. However, you did give me some good things that I can pass to 2010 and maybe more years. I'm just grateful for another year to live.

Kindly,
Maegan

So, I guess it was just another year lived. I just look at my years, and think that's it only sucks because the reality of adulthood is just hitting me. Although I did like some things about my childhood, I will never be fond of many things from then. I actually like being an adult better. Yeah, some things do suck, but all great things require responsibility. But...

I can't wait for 2010! (bring it!)

So, here's my top 10 highlights of the year (in no specific order... not really):

1. Sunsets in the summer <3
2. Discovering who my real friends are.
   
   I found out the people who are truly there for you are the people who stay after the party's over (literally and figuratively, of course). My true friend's don't let my past define me and recognize me as a different person from before. My true friends understand me and love me. You know who you are (: Just because I don't talk to some of you as we used to doesn't mean I don't think about you.
   
   
3. Sisters, I love you, together & apart. <3
4. Blink-182
   
   Cheers to losing my concert virginity to one of the most epic bands ever! My first & second concerts were amazing. Happy reunion, you guys. I'm still waiting for Up All Night though!
   
   
5. Meeting Blink-182
   
   I can't even put into words how much meeting these three musical gods meant to me. To actually meet these geniuses was a once in a lifetime experience. Meeting the people who never cease to inspire... gosh. (Don't worry, baby! You'll meet them when you're famous, and they'll actually know your name!)
   
   MARK, TOM, AND TRAVIS <3>
6. (500) Days of Summer
   
   I just love it.
   
   
7. Finally graduating from high school
   
   I'm just not too fond of those years.
   
   
8. Senior Prom '09
   
   Even if I'm not too fond of my senior year, I really had a great time.
   
   
9. My guitar, pen, & journal
   
   thanks for keeping me sane.
   
   
10. The never-ending journey to self-discovery.
    

p.s. Grateful for the friends I've made and the family I've had.

you'll never know

I have a tendency of writing letters and never sending them. If you're reading this blog, you most likely have one written for you. (I bet if you don't think you do, you really do). I dare you to ask. All they do is collect dust.

happy holidays, you bastard.

LAME. LAME. LAME.

who waits to open Christmas gifts on new years?

Merry Christmas

I could care less...

I don't mean to be such a Scrooge, but this Christmas just wasn't the same. A little lame to say the least. I didn't really feel that closeness you're supposed to feel on Christmas. And the one thing person I really wanted... well, you get it. This season has got less than 24 hours to redeem itself. Hopefully, it does.

Nonetheless, it's all about baby Jesus. So, happy birthday, Baby Jesus (:

24 hours could be fatal

I've been calling you for what seems like forever. I know, it sounds stalkerish, but I haven't spoken to you for more than 24 hours. I really miss you, and tonight's Christmas Eve. I can't even bare to look at your profile pictures anymore. I saw you changed it. Then, I looked through all of them; there were relatively no pictures of us (except the animated one). I don't know what exactly are your intentions, and I don't want to be the one upset in the end. I just know that sometimes I don't know where exactly I place with you.

I doubt that you read my blog. I doubt the fact that you'll ever know this information. By the time you know this, it may be too late.

I keep trying to distance myself only to keep finding myself coming back home to you.

boys with girlfriends

"I know better..."

So, I'm scrolling on facebook and see the weirdest bit of information: A couple who had been going out for more than a year broke up. It just kind of sucks. I didn't personally know this couple, but I knew the guy (I had a lot of guy friends growing up so hanging out with guys seems normal to me). Anyway, what was a little weird was that not so long ago his girlfriend requested me on facebook. I was thinking "Chick, I don't even know who you are. Once I start hanging out with your boyfriend you suddenly start to request me?" It made me think of the jealous girlfriend type. She was on her man and trying to stay on top of her game, I guess. The funny thing is that she's not the only one to request me. nope... It's happened on two other occasions. The girls barely knew me but knew that I talked to their boyfriends and had a couple moments with them. The sad part is these couples are no longer together.

My point is the fact the fact that these girls requested me despite the fact they barely knew me made me think that they were being a bit jealous--a little too jealous maybe. Yes, girls, you may categorize it as trying to bond and getting to know their boyfriend's friends, but I see it as having the inability to trust your man. That's where the problem starts. Maybe it's not a coincidence that these couples broke up. One thing I've picked up is that you must be able to trust and withstand distance, or your relationship is going nowhere. Ladies, you'll trust your man if the relationship is meant to be.

"Swing.."

Gotta love extended weekends that last until the weekday. I gotta say hanging out and jamming with the boys & ate really made my weekend more amazing than it already was. Special cred to "Kuya" and Ate for watching my back for creepers. lol :)

AMAZING WEEKEND

"Every day is an adventure to discovering the meaning of life. It is each little thing that you do everyday, whether it be spending time with your friends, running a cross-country race, or just simply staring at the crashing ocean waves, that holds the key to discovering the meaning of life. I would rather be out enjoying these simple things than pondering them. We may never really discover the meaning of life, but the knowledge we gain in our quest to discover it is truly more valuable."

-Jenni Norman

All I can say is that this weekend was one of the best that I've had in a while. Never underestimate the potential of a great time with friends. I'm so glad I was able to have a great time with amazing friends. I'm so glad it's break and I can finally let loose. This weekend was what I needed after weeks upon weeks of stressing. It's been a tough semester for me, but I got through it. I'm definitely looking forward to next semester but for now I'm going to breath in every moment of winter break that I can.

I can't express how much fun I had with people I hold close to my heart (haha, pretty dramatic but these people really do have spots in my heart). I learned that the people who stay behind for you (or come back) when the party's over are the people who are true (: I just loved the atmosphere of this weekend. Cheers to Wawa, Little Nicky's wings, movies, pong, pictures, jamming, burritos, spicy noodles, breakdowns, and making an indoor snowman. You were all worth walking in the snow.

"Baby, it's cold outside..."

"she's gonna break soon

with so many problems in her life it really comes as no surprise..."

"Cigarettes and Scene Kids"

It's one thing to smoke a cigarette. It's another thing to brag about it. Honestly, I don't think it's anything to be proud about. It just means you've a) given in to peer pressure and are easily influenced or b) you're really stressed that you turned to ruining you perfect lungs in order to relieve yourself. Honestly, kids, it's nothing to be proud about. It's not a fucking bragging right. So, think twice the next time you use you and a cigarette in a profile picture. If you know for a fact your friends know you better than that, they're going to see right through you.

kthxbye.

@#!%#$!@#$!^

I CAN'T FUCKING RELAX.
F*** finals. I hate this. I fucking hate this.

sleep is for the weak

MUST STUDY. MUST PASS. MUST GET THIS WEEK OVER WITH.


So, i've basically been driving myself insane. I feel like I'm going to break down any second. I honestly cannot wait until it's all over! Never have I ever been so stressed about something academic. The worst part is... it gets worse. Finals, bring it! You're going down.

Immune failure 2: Return of the Sick

Seriously?! Just when I thought my sinuses were starting to clear, I get sick again. I'm seriously fed up with all these finals. I truly understand why so many college kids I knew hated the song "I Love College." Almost everyone actually kind of hates it at some point and grows more bitter towards it--I am. It's only my the fall semester of my freshman year. At least, I'm no longer in high school. It's something I don't think I'll ever miss. It was a unique experience, but it's something I'd rather not repeat. One thing I will miss is singing. I haven't sung a good song in a while and I'm starting to miss it a little...

I honestly think it's these late nights for finals and final papers that are keeping me up at night and making my immune system fail. I already can't wait until I'm out of college and, hopefully, doing something I love.

On a completely unrelated note, here's something I'm looking forward to watching:

last two weeks of school

I can't wait until winter break. I can't wait until it's all over. I just can't wait.

test the waters

So, I'm going to listen to your advice, big sister. I'm going to test the waters rather than take the big leap. God only knows if you just saved me from plummeting to my death.

I'm so scared. Everyone's either talking me out of it or into it. Curse not knowing my passion.

Nursing > DArt?!

Nurse or Digital Artist

Nurse: listening to my family, taking my family's advice, future of stress pills and late nights, big $, helping people, high demanding field, crappy ass hours leading to good hours, guaranteed job, nice stuff, less time for family, providing for family, divorce?, full stomach

Digital Art and Media: listening to my "heart," taking into consideration a passion, late nights with media, uncertainty in job, "you'll be hungry," art art art...

I'm really confused. Screw this uncertainty.

Immune failure.

I'm having the worst luck with my immune system this semester. When I'm not sick, I'm having an allergic reaction to something. Now, I'm going out of my mind trying to figure out what exactly is causing me to break out. I'm currently under the influence of Zyrtec and Prednisone. I've accumulated two doctor's notes within the past two weeks. I already cannot wait until the winter break. I feel like my first semester honestly sucks.



my desk looks like a medicine cabinet.

Thankful.

I am grateful for everything that has brought me to where I am. I am grateful for everyone and everything I have in my life. I am grateful for every breath I am able to take; I am grateful for every sunrise and sunset. I am grateful for my turtles, my food, my room, and my comfy leopard print sweater and not so comfy but chic heels. I am thankful for the make-up on my face to the belt around my waist. I am most thankful for my sisters and my significant mister. I am thankful for my brown fam to my other fambams. I grateful for my roomies and the company they give me. I am thankful for roses and notebooks, for pens and sharpies. I love seasons; they are wonderful. I am grateful for everything that has brought me to where I am, Because it is exactly where I need to be.

love life & every moment--every. single. day.

*cough*

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry...

I'm a little nauseated right now.



And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home.

I want you to...

Sometimes he drives me completely insane, but then he goes and does something to make me smile (: I, then, remember why I was with him to begin with.



I foreshadow a potential cover... <3

Holding out for a hero.

Self-sufficient and independent is what I'm trying to be. I know I come off as super feminist and anti-male in my efforts. I tell him all the time that I need to stay here because it's the best for my plans. I try and I try, but...

I think he realizes how much everything is hard for me right now, and I just kind of bleed a little on the inside knowing that despite his efforts or how badly he wants things to change, they won't. Everything seems to backfire.

The truth is I'm starting to cave in a little. I do in fact need him to come for me. I need a knight in shining armor to come and save me from this distress and rut I'm in. I feel terrible. I've been trying to deny it, but it's all I really need right now. It's driving me insane how much I feel I need him around me sometimes, and I get so angered with myself to need him that much. I get so angered that he can't be here. I miss him, and it hurts a little.

ten to twenty percent

"Today is New Moon day, Scorpio, and time for predictions good for a Lunar Month (until the next New Moon). This particular New Moon, because it is in your sign, is extremely favorable for making personal changes. Anything from cosmetic surgery to making vows of a personal or spiritual nature are covered by this opportunity. The main thing is to see things you want to change about yourself from a different perspective, by taking a higher vantage point, but you are probably making these changes because of the broader implications of what you are doing, as some people do when they adapt a special type of diet or take up yoga or intentional living."
-Scorpio Horoscope as seen on facebook.

Today, I was told by my academic counselor that he feels like I only channel out 10 - 20% of what's really in my thoughts--I couldn't agree more. I'd like to think, at times, that I am an easy book to read, that I easily reveal by my poker face, but God only knows how people can try to figure me out. Is my personality or what ever is in my head really that hard to comprehend?

"How are you minus the academics and acting?" He asked. It was either I couldn't answer it, or I was really hesistant to answer the question.

I'm alright; I'm okay... I think. Sometimes, I just sit there and think, think, think, and think. The clock ticks and I keep trying to change my pattern of thought, but I always end up where I start. I think of something and try to grasp on to the thought, but in almost an instant, it just kind of floats away. I can't help but envision my life as one those feminist books about women letting go because of a lingering depression.

I really don't have any reason to complain right now. Life seems good; it should be good. I have a boyfriend who really loves me, friends (enough said), family who couldn't be anymore supportive of my spontaneous decisions, and an "okay" academic life. Why do I feel so dissatisfied?

I walked out of my chemistry lecture today and wondered if I really want to do nursing. Would I truly be happy? I saw the word DArt, and wondered if a future of being satisfied with myself seemed more promising in that field. I'm given so many opportunities, but do I really need them all, or am I not taking advantage of them the right way? This is not a cry for help. I'm just still trying to find out my direction. I hope I'm going the right way...

Tumblarity?

haha, I tried.

I don't even know what genre I fall into sometimes. I like the urban shit, but I can be very lookbook-ish at times. Sometimes, I just love to chill a be lazy with the sweats on (: My fashion sense varies.

On another note, I pretty much get intimidated by the pretty, skinny people. They look like they could rock anything. I guess having a little curve is nice, but I really don't see what people see in me when they say I'm cute. I'm not gonna lie. I have my conceited moments. Other moments I feel like I look like a caveman. Sucks, huh?

Goodnight, blog. I'm beat, son.

p.s. follow me? TUMBLR.

Love, love has no distance baby...

“And i know it sounds so stupid to be waiting this long
But i’m still in love, and i know i’m not wrong.”

I think I’ve been listening to this AJ Rafael song practically all morning. It makes me feel more & more optimistic about being in a long distance relationship. I can’t help but wonder if I’m setting myself up and filling my head and heart with false illusions. Then, I realize I’m feeling happy. So, it’s got to be something good… right? I mean, just thinking about the next time I get to see him and share a special moment gets me so elated. My heart just kind of jumps on the inside and butterflies just flutter everywhere in my stomach—I fall in love all over again.

p.s. New Found Glory & Dashboard Confessional in Philly December 12th?! I MUST GO.

Home

It's been a while since I've posted on this thing. I guess I'm just not good as I used to be with blogs. I find better comfort in my written journals. It's more personal for me. As for all you stalkers (barely any), I guess this this how most of you can keep in touch with my "feelings & thoughts."

What home can really mean to me? In a literal sense, it appears I have multiple homes. I'm welcome in all sorts of places. Can I really still call this apartment home? To be honest, it grew on me--then, in a heartbeat, it kind of stopped.


Yes, I have a dog, but my roomates feel it's best to get rid of him as sweet as he is sometimes. Majority rules, right? It sucks. I wish it could be like that Disney movie where a little Hawaiian girl trains her "pet" to be good. There's some good in my dog underneath all his monstrosity, but I digress.

Home is where the heart is, but what happens when you feel like you can find your heart in multiple places? Maybe I should invest in putting tracking devices on all my pieces, capture them all, and harvest them in one spot. I wish.

I keep missing how things used to be. I try to think things don't suck right now, but I feel like I'm falling yet again. I take each day little by little and try to listen to the maternal voice in my head--"Don't do this, don't do that." I'm still trying to figure out if I belong here. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. It all seems a little too hard. It seems like it has been forever since I could think to myself, "I am exactly where I need to be."

Anniversary

“We watch the sunset in the summer heavily breathing…”

Please excuse the mushiness of this post…

It’s almost been a year since the day I got on that bus home missing him more than I could ever know. Going home was the worst thing because it meant that I’d be leaving the one I love. It’s been a year with ups and downs, but in this past year I’ve learned how powerful love and forgiveness could be. He could’ve left me when things got difficult. He could’ve left when I started to give up; He could’ve left when I hurt him… He didn’t.

We both stayed no matter how many factors did not go in our favor. No longer listening to the slim odds of a long distance relationship, we still hold on to each other. Everyday, I can feel our love growing stronger. What happened in the past no longer defines the future.

We’ll prove them wrong; Our love is just that strong.

(sorry, tumblr just didn’t want to upload the song. here’s the video)

old

Deleted the first account. This was the only post I had on it (ugh, its content makes me want to smack my head):

Saturday, March 21, 2009

why, hello

First Blog... gosh, I'm nervous. I created this in hopes that I'll actually keep this thing updated. I've had numerous blogs via myspace, xanga, notes via facebook, and now this. Hopefully, this is something my grandchildren can be proud to look at one day, but I'm sure by the then the internet will be ten times more advanced. I'm catching on to this blogger business a little late, but it's better late then never.

Oh, boy... here it goes.

Posted by kaye at 7:44 AM 0 comments

reason to leave...

I couldn't help but to keep staring at the ice cream bowl as I thought of reasons to leave. It was hard not to look at every definition I could add to the description of the ice cream as I tried to define each piece of Oreo (or whatever generic cookie it was) in it. I stared and hoped that I'd be distracted to think of something less important that the matter at hand. The truth is simply this: I struggle with staying in Philadelphia.